


Crowley:  The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Humor, living doll
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-28
Updated: 2013-09-28
Packaged: 2017-12-27 20:10:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/983103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully-automated CROWLEY unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your King of Hell/Crossroads Demon, please pay close attention to the following instructions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crowley:  The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, forgive me. These were just so much fun back in my ff.net days and I got stuck on the bus yesterday... One thing lead to another and I ended up with this.

Crowley: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual

Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully-automated CROWLEY unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your King of Hell/Crossroads Demon, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

*

Basic Information:

Name: Crowley, (Ferguson Macleod)

Date Of Manufacture: Unknown.

Place Of Manufacture: Kripke Co., Scotland (ext. Hell) Division.

Height: 5'8"

Weight: Unknown

*

Your CROWLEY unit will come with the following accessories:

One totally suave black suit.  
Gun with six (6) angel killing bullets.  
Several jars of asst. whisky, scotch.  
Apron (for torturing).

When you first open your CROWLEY unit, he may be angry at having been kept in a box. Show him around your house, get him a drink, a room, and give him some time to cool off.

*

Programming:

Your CROWLEY unit is a morally ambiguous ex-punk ass crossroads demon, and can carry out the following functions:

Crossroads Demon - You've only got one soul to sell, but it's not like you're doing anything worthwhile with it anyways. Why not sell it in exchange for fame, fortune, or whatever else tickles your fancy. Standard ten-year plan applies.

Information Gatherer - By which we mean your unit will use whatever means necessary to extract information from anyone you're able to tie up. Which leads us to our next feature...

Expert Torture Artist - Yes, it's an art form. And it gets messy. But your CROWLEY unit is more than likely willing. Does not have to involve Information Gathering. Hell, he'd do it for fun.

Winchester Bait - Too cheap to buy a SAM or DEAN unit yourself? Well the CROWLEY unit is excellent bait if you're looking to steal *a-hem* acquire one some other way. You cheating little shit. Just make sure that you're able to get all parties out alive.

Magic Instructor - Can't quite get your hex bags right? CROWLEY can help. Son of a witch, after all.

*

Your CROWLEY unit comes with five different modes:

-Crossroads: Default setting. Your unit will try to make deals with everyone he meets. Keep an eye out for this, as ten years from now, you don't want fifty hellhound related deaths in one town. Your unit will be generally pleasant, if you are kind, cooperative and do not get in the way of business.

-King of Hell: A step up from Crossroads mode, he'll most likely stop trying to make deals and go for flashier stuff, like opening Purgatory, or killing the Winchesters. Don't get in his way yourself, you'd probably get killed. This mode is considered normal and if used properly, may also be entertaining.

-Bargaining: Activated when your unit wants something. Offers will be made, clauses and terms and conditions written. You'll find it generally in your best interest to give in. If your unit wants something you find displeasing (blood of dead babies, all 15 seasons of ER, etc), however, contact our head offices and we will send someone down to clear up the situation.

-Partnership: Usually activated around a CASTIEL unit, but you can activate yourself if you deem entering a partnership necessary. Note your CROWLEY unit may become bossier when this mode is unlocked.

-Cured: Rare mode, not activated until your SAM unit unlocks Trials mode, and then only if the unit completes the trial completely. In this mode your unit will probably cry and want to watch Girls with you. Make him feel better please, the poor guy deserves it.

*

Relations with other units:

DEAN WINCHESTER: Not favourable. Given the chance, it is likely they will try to kill each other. Do not recommend extended periods of time spent alone together between these units.

SAM WINCHESTER: The same caution used around the DEAN unit should be applied here. If Cured mode is activated, your unit may feel more emotionally attached to the SAM unit. Would still not recommend much alone time.

CASTIEL: May cause your unit to enter Partnership mode. CASTIEL units in their Godstiel mode should be avoided. If you have no interest in seeing Purgatory opened, it is suggested you keep a close eye out when these two units encounter each other. It is also likely a CASTIEL unit may attempt to kill your CROWLEY unit. Again, simply exercise caution.

BOBBY SINGER: Your unit may take a shine to flashing a certain photo he's got on his iPhone relating to BOBBY. Please do not encourage this behaviour. The CROWLEY unit generally doesn't mind BOBBY units, though the latter may not... Does not want the company. 

ABADDON: Though CROWLEY units may start off thinking ABADDON will not be a threat, the two units will not get along and if left together will most likely end up competing in violent displays, and possibly fighting to the death. Keep. Them. Separated.

*It should be noted anyone interested in attempting to "ship" your CROWLEY unit should consult an official representative before setting up dates.

*

Cleaning: The CROWLEY unit is fully capable of cleaning himself. Just don't try to help. Don't.

Energy: The CROWLEY unit doesn't seem to need to eat, but would like to nonetheless. Cheap-ass greasy diner food is not appreciated.

*

Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: My SAMANDRIEL unit has gone missing, and CROWLEY won't let me in his room... You don't think he's got Sami, do you?

A: Of course he does. Haven't you seen season eight? Look, your CROWLEY unit is probably drilling into that cute lil angel's skull as we speak. Perhaps kick down the door and rescue him? Just... Don't let any CASTIELs near SAMANDRIEL for a bit.

Q: I'm getting pretty damn sick of all this screaming that's going on while I'm trying to sleep. I wanna keep my unit but the torture is ridiculous. Is there a way to turn it off?

A: Unfortunately, no. On the bright side, no actual humans (or units) are harmed. It's simply a dull old robot being destroyed within an inch of its life. Just be happy it isn't you! We'd be happy to send you some complimentary ear plugs, if you like.

Q: There's a KEVIN TRAN unit in my basement. I never bought a KEVIN TRAN unit. What's happening!?

A: Your CROWLEY unit must have gotten hold of part of a Tablet. Go downstairs. See if he needs anything. Make him feel at home because CROWLEY won't want to get rid of him for a while.

Q: Okay so I tried activating the shipping thing with my unit and CASTIEL but it's not working??

A: You're not supposed to do that without professional help. If you think you've corrupted your unit's data while hacking the main system, you can either send your unit in for rewiring or have a CHARLIE BRADBURY unit take a look for you. Next time, just call our hotline.

Q: Why is he crying? Like seriously this is weird.

A: Cured mode must have been activated somehow. Get him something to drink and put on HBO. Maybe you should cuddle. I don't know.

Q: FUCK OH I FUCKED UP. See, I might've... Y'know... Maybe made a... I made a deal. With my unit. Help me.

A: The only way to cancel a deal made by a unit is to have the unit powered down entirely. We will not be providing a replacement for anyone who must do this because you must be pretty bone-dead stupid to actually make that deal. Lemme guess, you just wanted to kiss him. Okay, seriously people get it together. Send your unit back to the main factory. We will contact you when the process is complete. If you do not comply, well, enjoy your last ten years, mate.

*

Warranty: With proper care, the CROWLEY unit should never die, unless a Hunter is able to exorcise him properly, or an Angel smites him. However, if you get annoyed with the King of Hell, you can always send him back to our company for a full refund (within six months of purchase).


End file.
